I was always bringing fear with me... too afraid of loosing a relationship... anxious of having all my plans left unaccomplished- to marry and have children before I reach thirty. I was scared of being alone and single forever. So I fought for everything even if it requires loosing my sanity and choosing reality over destiny. I was a controller of life... I decided thru my head more than to inricate what I feel.
Exactly 5 years ago something triggered my inner soul. I have been keeping this past life alive in a way to make fairy tales come true. But when a state of destiny ends... reality comes unnoticed. It may sound as perfect as I planned it to be but I can't always get what I wanted. It remained intangible, sound real yet so impossible to comprehend.. so it's better to leave it the way it was... a special memory...
When a sudden guilt emerged...I struggled to fight or to give up.. to hold on or to let go....to live or just die...
Well... I chose the END... for I believe that things would be better if I can no longer feel the pain. I did not care for my family's feelings not even the consequences that I would face after with my God. I claim that I am in pain and I have to stop it. That was my way coping a breakdown, that was my way of facing guilt, that was my way of me finding joy from a looosing battle.. a sinking ship...
It was an endless realization of events. Everyday I rationalize my actions. I started to give myself importance. I learned a lot from my mistakes. I loved myself more... I asked for forgiveness... I was me again.. But to start a new me there's nothing to do more but to burry that special past as part of a beautiful love story.
Now that I am happily married.. I chose this perfect present as part of my painful past... I came to conquer life with brevity. I may sometime be in a silly state. I may often be this stubborn. But I always am trying to be a perfectly right mother for my daughter and a sane wife to my husband. I see to it that as much as possible I would stop complaining of the things that I failed to do and give more efforts to the actions that I must do.
Destiny will always be part of a reality when we learn to embrace the facts. In a world filled with millions of heads, there would always be the ONE that stands out... That one will always be your special someone. We may or may not have ended up together, but I guess what matters most is that each day we are able to live with a momentum of contentment... Being able to seize the day... living in Carpe Diem and always finding our Joie de Vivre (Joy of Living).
